So, right this minute I am sitting on a sun drenched patio in Yaletown, Vancouver BC. I’m not here to relax, on the contrary I have put myself in the eye of the ‘look at me’ storm. No, I’m not doing the jig and asking for spare change, instead I’m doing something much more vulnerable (no disrespect to buskers at all, that shit takes courage!). I am sitting at a table with a giant sign that says, ‘I invite you to sit down and have a conversation about dating and love with me.’ It’s the anxiety driven mental equivalent to a beauty pageant, when the women stand on stage in their teeny tiny bikinis hoping they will be picked best in show (utterly ridiculous by the way). Guys, I’m sure you have your own analogy.
Yes, I am a dating coach.
Yes, I talk about dating, love, vulnerability, and connection every day – but there something to be said about hanging out a sign and waiting for someone to come by and join me in my act of vulnerability by taking me up on my offer of sharing theirs.
Every time I do this, I am self consciously aware that I am putting myself out there, and believe you me, people push up into my soft spots. I get everything from guffaws, to disdain to outright laughter. My old story of being teased in high school comes rushing in to give me a kick to the gut – ‘remember me?, utters my old insecurity.
Immediately an inner dialogue starts running ALL about rejection and not being accepted.
I know this old story, and thank god I’ve done the work to notice, acknowledge, and say, ‘No thanks, I’m good’, to it.
This negative inner voice is something many experience when dating. It’s all about self judgement, and it’s goal is to take you out at the emotional knees before you even get started. It can even undermine you while you are IN a relationship, and most certainly will raise it’s ugly head while you’re on a date.
Feeling vulnerable? Enter the inner critic.
Case in point I just had a women sit down to join me, and shared her perceived ideas about how men work. That when something happens, or she has a certain experience she knows what they are thinking, as a means of rationalizing her own discomfort.
This might be about me, so let’s make it about you.
We do this.
AND we can also do the work to cut it out.
What helped me navigate my way back to being my own champion, and not an assumptive mean spirited ass was having a healthy dose of compassion. Compassion for me and compassion for others. Also embracing the knowledge that more often than not, that judgement I have for others – is my own, it’s a projected opinion of myself, or a well honed way of protecting myself from the truth – my truth (but that’s a whole other blog post).
Newsflash – you will never know what is going on in someone else’s head. More often than not we aren’t even aware of what’s going on in our own! Creating a practice of self awareness and compassion can go a loooong way.
Why would you choose to assume the worse, when assuming the best can serve you better, AND have you feeling better?
It’s a choice.
Things will never always go our way, but the contrast in experience doesn’t mean you, or someone else is wrong, it just means it’s different, and when we can begin to embrace that fact and cut ourselves some slack, we can self consciously be conscious to live and love better.
Want to dive into this topic further? Have something to say? Let’s talk about it! Visit my business page over on Facebook.
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