One of the biggest complaints I hear from the single and dating is the frustration they feel from people not being honest. Not being honest about who they are, what they are looking for, their height, age, weight, how they look or even if they’re single! Just general bad behavior. It’s enough to make someone throw in the towel, and many do.
I get it, I’ve shared in this frustration.
But here’s the thing, when someone else’s behavior is pissing us off, it’s a signal that something is off in us – we are out of alignment too. Now before you completely dismiss this post because I’ve triggered some defensive or ‘hogwash!” response in you, hang on a hot second to hear me out. This is liberating stuff – I promise.
The judgment we have for others is actually a judgement we have of ourselves (mirror, mirror on the…). Often times an unconscious one. That’s why it rankles us so much, we relate to it on a deeper level. It’s almost like our psyche is saying, “There it is!!!” But instead of claiming it for ourselves, we offload the upset on someone else.
It’s an, ‘I’m out of integrity’ moment.
Stay with me… So let’s flip this to the positive, so this new theory might be a more enjoyable one to embrace…
Take a minute to reflect upon a relationship you have with a dear friend. Jot down the quality and traits in them you really enjoy and appreciate. Now take a look at what you wrote. Do you have those same qualities?
Of course, you do!
You value that relationship because this person embodies what you value in you. This might be a moment to celebrate that discovery because again, we aren’t always consciously aware.
So when judgement arises in your observation of another, it’s actually an internal invitation to take a moment for inner reflection to ask, “Hmmmm… where am I out of alignment within me, that this is triggering a negative feeling?” It’s an opportunity to do a bit of clean up.
This puts you firmly back in the driver’s seat. When you take responsibility for how you show up in your love life, things can only get better.
The other options are staying frustrated or pointing a finger at others – this is a losing battle.
So what does performing a clean up look like you may ask? Here are some simple questions to ask to start the process:
- Am I being 100% honest and transparent?
- What do I need to communicate with someone I have been putting off?
- Are there any agreements you have made with yourself or others that you have not kept?
- Who do I need to forgive? (this may include yourself).
- Who do I need to apologize to?
- What lies have I been telling myself?
- What excuses have I been making?
Answering honestly is what helps you level up. It’s a sobering exercise, but boy does it provide a monumental bang for its emotional buck.
Being in integrity is our North Star. It’s what keeps us feeling good and grounded in who we innately are, at our core. So it makes perfect sense that when we are out of alignment, that judgement raises its ugly head. But instead of getting all self-righteous, critical, and finger-pointy (smoke screen to your truth, and so not pretty), see it as an internal announcement… “Clean up on aisle, Not Owning My Stuff” and an opportunity to roll up your emotional sleeves and go in to clean it up.
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